Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
