the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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