It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
