I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
