I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
