Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm passing your future prison.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
