she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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