Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
