I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
