Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
