Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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