and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
