don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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