Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
