Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
