Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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