Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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