Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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