Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
