I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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