i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
