I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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