I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
