I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
