I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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