my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
