I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
