I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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