i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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