but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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