Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
