My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
