I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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