i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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