Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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