well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
