I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
