well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
