I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
