i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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