he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
