yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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