farters have to be the big spoon...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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