and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He shit in the fireplace
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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