You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
