New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
