I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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