We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Alive.
So much puke
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
