what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Randomize
