I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
