We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
