I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
