when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
