Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
