If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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