I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
