A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
