And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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