Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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