I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
